The league, christened as the Emmanuel Classic, is comprised of twelve guys who are either attending or are alums of Emmanuel Church in New York. Just for kicks, I'll provide tongue-in-cheek weekly updates.
Naturally, I'm obligated to present a season preview, which every sports publication does for the real NFL. So here goes:
ANSKY coached by Phil Lee. ANSKY has arguably the best quarterback in the league in Drew Brees. He also has two of the most despised people in the league in Chad Ochocinco and Kellen Winslow. For those of you who aren't sports fans, Ochocinco, who was previously known as "Chad Johnson", legally changed his last name to match his jersey number. Winslow is known for such niceties as taunting an injured player on the field and calling himself a "f%ckin' solider". Apparently Phil chose him for his soothing locker room influence.
Beginner's Luck? coached by Rich Kwon. Coach Kwon has already conceded that he knows very little about American Football. Translation: he's pretty much psyched you out into fearing the humiliation of losing to him. He does have Kurt Warner, of whom I'm a big fan. They may lose a lot of games, but at least Kurt can count on Rich attending his pre-game Bible Study.
Cooler than Baptists coached by Will Fehringer. Coach Fehringer took a risk by alienating all of the Baptists on the roster, but he put together a strong squad. His wide receivers aren't top notch, but there aren't a lot of glaring weaknesses. That, plus the requirement that each member of the roster needed to learn Latin, make this team a contender.
Don't Tread on Me coached by Alan Cummings. The native Texan has Matt Schaub at QB and Andre Johnson as his ace wide receiver, and that's not a bad start. He also has Shawne Merriman on defense, which means that his team will be rooted against by the few Tila Tequila fans in this world.
Go Yankees coached by Andrew Beenken. This team is well constructed and balanced, just the sort of thing you'd expect from an M.D./Ph.D. student. In addition to a nice collection of talent, he has the distinction of having the largest number of androgynous names on the roster - Torry? Adrian? Bo? Pierre? Okay, Pierre isn't androgynous, but some might argue it might as well be.
HE HATE ME coached by Albert Song. "HE HATE ME" was the jersey name for former XFL football player Rod Smart. Let's just hope for Albert's sake that his team finds a little more success than either the XFL and Rod Smart did. The team, which was drafted while Coach Song was out of the country, has some potential to make some noise. The fact that he's reunited Jessica Simpson's ex-boyfriend and Terrell Owens is getting my psyched for another "that's my quarterback" sobbing episode by T.O.
Hamsters coached by Chin Ho Cheng. An explanation of the name - Chin's a newlywed who married a young lady with the maiden name of Ham. Get it? Clever, but not as clever as me naming my post-newlywed fantasy team Manchester United, after getting married in Manchester, Connecticut. I personally think that this is probably the team to beat in the league... though that took at hit when Troy Polamalu sprained his MCL in the opener.
Laser Jets coached by Steve Lee. Coach Lee got aggressive with a bold trade, swapping Jay Cutler and Antonio Gates to Pablo in exchange for Tom Brady. Two things are obvious from this move: (1) Steve's a big Patriots fan and (2) If Tom Brady gets his knee taken out again in Week 1, that big sucking sound will be Steve's fantasy team's season. Well, the good news is that trading Hines Ward for Randy Moss wouldn't be such a longshot at that point.
Midgets coached by Tim Kang. Tim actually has a good offensive squad, which is intended in the same way when people say that "a girl has a great personality". Tim, who is taking a hands-off approach to his team, has a defense spearheaded by "no longer in the NFL" David Herron and Tank Williams. In other words, Tim will personally score as many fantasy points as these two players.
Millburn Mustangs coached by me. I'm not going to get into a deep evaluation of my own team, so in the words of Comic Book Guy on The Simpsons, I'll just say this: BEST TEAM EVER. Well, not really, but I think I'll be competitive.
No Yankees coached by Ajin Tae. This is one of two teams where the coaches decided to be cute and stack a roster entirely with members of one team, presumably a team they root for. This is all well and good except for the bye-week, and the fact that you inevitably get some "winners" on your roster like Danny Ware, who is only on this fantasy team and those of his relatives.
Pablo coached by Paul Huang. I've already saved Coach Huang's bacon once, by vetoing a ridiculous trade that he actually was proposing to deal Reggie Wayne for Saints safety Roman Harper (before Paul realized that you can pick up unpicked free agent defenders). Between Jay Cutler, Anquan Boldin and Joey Porter, his team would easily cream the league if we awarded points on malcontentment.
Team Singletary coached by Luke Lin. See "No Yankees", except that this is a team stacked by San Francisco 49ers. The tragedy of this team is that the two 49ers that actually have fantasy value (Frank Gore and Patrick Willis) aren't even on his team. He could trade for them, but with what players? The only possible saving grace is that Michael Crabtree is actually as good as he thinks he is, which would make him the single greatest fantasy football player ever.
Trail Mix coached by Chris Yeoh. For a fantasy football neophyte, Coach Yeoh's done a heckuva job. And I don't mean that in a George W. Bush "heckuva job [managing the Katrina disaster], Brownie" sort of way, I mean it's a solid team. Fantasy football rookies often make the mistake of neglecting their defense, and with DeMarcus Ware, Mario Williams and Lance Briggs on his roster, that's clearly not an issue.
Should be a great season.
Posts
No comments:
Post a Comment