More Than Just Friends

I stumbled across an article online titled "How to raise respectful children" perhaps with the completely unrealistic expectation that after reading through it, I'd have the silver bullet on any and all my kids' future behavioral issues as it pertained to their interactions with other people. The article was fine, but like many other articles, and even longer-winded books, it boiled down a very complex and nuanced issue into a single point - your kid is not your friend. Or in the word of the author:

If I were to create my own TV show to teach parents how to wrest back control and raise respectful, self-reliant kids, it would be called You're Their Parent, Not Their Friend. As long as parents aspire to be "liked" by their kids — and, consequently, let them off the hook on chores, shrug off bad behavior (ahem, the purloined dinner roll), and shovel unearned praise mountain-high, bratty kids will rule the roost.

There's some validity to this. I think some parents have this irrational fear of not being deemed as "cool" to their parent or somehow place being "liked" by them over the paramount priority of shepherding their hearts to become upstanding people and for Christian parents, faithful followers and lovers of Jesus. As a result they spare the rod (I mean this as a representation of discipline, not specifically corporal punishment) and no boundaries are set in terms of what they can and can't do and no understanding is given around how their actions affect other people. Self-centeredness and entitlement soon spirals out of control.

In all cases, I don't think it's the "we're just friends" phenomena that leads to kids doing whatever they want in a public place. I think some if it is that some parents sincerely (but wrongly) believe that everyone else shares their amusement in, for example, their kid singing loudly in the middle of a restaurant or dancing wildly in front of a couple enjoying a quiet meal. In other words, the bigger phenomenon is "You may think it's cute, but everyone else really wants you to strap the kid into a stroller and duct-tape his mouth."

But the hypothesis that I disagree with is that you can't have an amicable and affectionate relationship with your child without undermining your authority. Thanks be to God, I think I have this with Daniel, with whom I joke around with, play hide-and-seek, trains, and we even do sophomoric things like flatulate in each others faces (okay, it's pretty much exclusively me flatulating or "pongu"-ing in Daniel's face). But I think that Daniel is completely cognizant that there are manifestations of a lack of respect resulting in bad behavior which are unacceptable, and when those boundaries are violated, we'll have a little "talk"... in a Tony Soprano sort of way.

Instead of making a statement that "I'm not his friend, but his parent", I'd prefer to say that "I'm not just Daniel's friend, I'm much more than that". I'd like to think that the many benefits of friendship are still there - he can tell me anything and I'll still love him, we can have fun with each other, I can push him in a corner and flatulate in his face - but there's an aspect of responsibility that I have to proactively correct waywardness in his actions and heart. In some ways, it's an enhanced version of what true Christian brotherhood should be. With my close friends, I should bear the responsibility to correct a brother in the wrong - it's just that it's been a while since I spanked Paul Huang with an icing spatula.