(1) Punch in the Face, 136.98 over
(8) HE HATE ME, 116.06
PUNCH IN THE FACE COACH STEVE LEE (sideline interview by Andrea Kremer)
Kremer: Coach Lee, you don't have the highest scoring team overall, yet your team continues to find ways to win. What do you have to say about your squad?
Lee: In fact, my team does have the highest number of points in the league, but you're right, there's a lot of luck involved. I'm weak at the second running back spot and vulnerable at wide receiver. I have a strong squad that's capable of putting up a 200 or 180 point game, but I'm always susceptible to a 100 or 110 point game (and a loss). I escaped this week, overcoming a weak performance by my QB and receivers. I think my defense has kept the streak alive over the past few weeks.
Kremer: Coach, Tom Brady looks a little banged up. What's his status for next week and any chance we'll see you come off the bench with your quarterback for next week's matchup?
Lee: There's no chance. I live and die with Tom Brady. If I perish, I perish.
Kremer: You beat this same Millburn Mustangs team pretty easily in the regular season. What's your team going to need to do to make it to the Championship Game?
Lee: I think this is a very dangerous game for my team. A lot of managers undervalued defense all season, but the Milburn Mustangs and a few other managers properly valued their individual defensive players and I wouldn't be surprised if I lost this week. As a counter example, Beginner's Luck has an atrocious defense. If Chris Johnson or his QB has a bad game, he's vulnerable. That's why he has six losses this season, despite having Chris Johnson. I think if I get a good game from Tom Brady that'll go a long way toward victory, but I'm not holding my breath after the last few weeks and lingering injuries.
Kremer: Coach, you and Coach Cheng of the Hamsters engaged in a bit of war of words throughout the season. Do you feel that your success and his first-round exit has justified your past moves?
Lee: I think Coach Cheng would retract his statements if he could. He made some statements early in the season based upon what was going on only in his imagination rather than basing anything in actual fact. However, I appreciate Coach Cheng's passion for the game. I think his first round exit was a fluke, although trading away Desean Jackson certainly didn't help.
Kremer: Gracious in victory, as always. Good luck next week, Coach!
(4) Millburn Mustangs, 119.20 over
(5) Cooler than Baptists, 88.20
MILLBURN MUSTANGS COACH KUO (sideline interview by Ron Pitts)
Pitts: Gutty win, Coach. You clearly didn't have your team firing on all cylinders, but somehow you came out on top.
Kuo: Yeah, we pretty much sucked. But fortunately for us, Cooler than Baptists sucked a little more than we did, so we're advancing and they're going home. I bet all the rest of the guys in the 'Classic that didn't make the playoffs were pretty much looking at our game and wondering "How in the world did we not make the playoffs?"
Pitts: Your next matchup is against an undefeated Punch in the Face squad which crushed your team earlier this season. What will you tell your team to get them ready for this challenge.
Kuo: I'll probably rattle off some disingenuous and insincere drivel about how "any team can beat any other team any given Sunday" and how "it's not about talent, but it's about heart" and some crap about "you play the game on the field, not on paper". Give me a break, we're going to get crushed - I just hope nobody on our team comes out with a permanent disability. You go ahead and print that.
Pitts: Uh... right. Let's send it back up to the booth.
COOLER THAN BAPTISTS COACH FEHRINGER (sideline interview by Sal Paolantonio)
Paolantonio: Tough loss, Coach. There's a rumor going that your players weren't focused for this playoff game, that Aaron Rodgers, Miles Austin and LaDanian Tomlinson broke curfew on Saturday night playing Dungeons and Dragons. Any comment?
Fehringer: I'm the Dungeon Master for that DnD Troupe and I can assure you that the guys did not break curfew or drink too much Mountain Dew Saturday night. Rodgers was upset that his level 10 Swordmage fell in battle against a dracolich, and I do believe that affected his passing game, but Austin and LT performed as expected and no one can complain about that.
Paolantonio: The Mustangs claimed that your Klingon trash talk went right to the bulletin board and helped fire them up for this playoff game. Any regrets for your comments earlier in the week?
Fehringer: None at all. The Klingons are an honorable race of warriors and would prefer to face an enemy at its best. We meant what we said, and we still mean it. After some rest on our homeworld of Qo'noS, we will return next season to have our revenge on the Mustangs.
Paolantonio: Right... Your team was hot and cold all year and just seemed to go cold at the wrong time. Any words for your players as you head to the offseason?
Fehringer: They were a great team that suffered a lot of setbacks. We were fortunate to pick up Miles Austin in the middle of the season, and LT found his game by the end. Rodgers consistently went beyond all expectation, so it's sad one bad game for him knocked us out of the playoffs. I'm most proud of our defense, which I believe was the best in the league. As for the rest they never lived up to my expectation and they're all going to be free agents very soon.
Paolantonio: Thanks, Coach. Great season for your crew.
(3) ANSKY, 149.94 over
(6) No Yankees, 137.14
ANSKY COACH PHIL LEE (sideline interview by Bonnie Bernstein)
Bernstein: Coach, the game got tighter in the end but strong performances by Drew Brees, DeSean Jackson and Ryan Grant saved you. What did you think about your team's effort?
Lee: As you said, we had our bright spots in Brees, Jackson, and Grant--they did save us. Aside from them, we have some work to do this week. No more complaining about migraines and season-ending ACL injuries. These guys need to show some toughness. They need to show they want to win.
Bernstein: Coach, the Bengals had the Ickey Shuffle, the Falcons had the Dirty Bird, and your players are celebrating touchdowns with the the "Stormtrooper Pelvic Thrust" which are drawing 15-yard penalties as well as fines from the FCC. Any comment?
Lee: Although at first it was hard not to laugh, but now we see that our team has taken these celebrations one step too far. From now on, it's Prison Thriller.
Bernstein: I'm sure the ANSKY fans are looking forward to that. Coach, Kevin Smith looks like he suffered a pretty bad injury. What's the RB plan going into next week?
Lee: If I had my dithers, Smith would play, but the team doc says no. We have two solid guys who were waiting for this opportunity--Fargas and Taylor. With Taylor facing weaker run defense numbers in Carolina, I'd have to go with him for now.
Bernstein: Coach, Beginner's Luck just had a monster game - what might be the highest scoring game of their year. What does your team need to do to beat them next week with a trip to the championship game on the line?
Lee: Well, I have to acknowledge that BL is playing very well. They are the team to beat right now. Our strategy next week has been our strategy every week of this season. We play to win each week. We play as a team each week. And our dance choreography needs to be tight.
Bernstein (laughs): Looking forward to that, Coach. Good luck next week.
(7) Beginner's Luck?, 154.12 over
(2) Hamsters, 124.06
BEGINNER'S LUCK? COACH RICHARD KWON (sideline interview by Chris Myers)
Myers: Great win, Coach Kwon, what do you think were the keys to victory?
Kwon: Thanks Chris, it was a team effort and a bit of luck, I suppose. I was going to start Devone Bess as a high-risk, high-return pick, but chose to go back to my good old Austin Collie in the wee hours of Sunday morning. Almost every starter outperformed those on the bench, Kurt Warner being an exception but only as an afterthought. Oh yes, and something about Marshall breaking the NFL record and a guy named Chris Johnson. But I digress--it was all me.
Myers: Coach Kwon, some columnists and experts gave you some grief for not making the Dallas Clark trade earlier in the year, do you feel vindicated?
Kwon: Well, Dallas Clark wasn't the only person that people were giving me grief and misgivings about--someone nearly flipped out when I proposed Hines Ward for Marshall early in the season, after his pre-season trouble subsided. That trade would be considered as astute at this point, wouldn't it? (Just compare their season record, even before last week). Despite being a first-timer, I feel that I have a good grasp on what I was doing--well, Matt Jones the "inactive" starter notwithstanding.
Myers: Coach Cheng was extremely bitter after his loss to you. Do you have any words you'd like to share with him?
Kwon (turning to camera): Coach Cheng, at least now you can cry in someone's arms about losing to a neophyte in fantasy football. No, not talking about some random dude who's spotting you in the gym--someone at your home.
Myers (nervous laugh): That's great, Coach. What does your team need to do to beat an immensely talented ANSKY squad in the semifinals?
Kwon: ANSKY will be tough to beat--his team and Punch in the Face are like the Saints and the Colts, respectively, this season. So let me play the Green Bay card--I just made the playoff in a seventh-place finish, beat the Brett Favre-led Vikings... wait, is that actually possible in the real play-off schedule? Eh, who cares? in an emotional blowout and now face an undefeated, feel-good story of the Saints led by someone named Bruce Leroy (which, by the way, is a name that should strike fear in any fantasy football man). So let me try to out-jinx Coach Lee publicly as well-- ANSKY will slip by me by less than a 10-point spread and in the final game will blow out Coach Lee and Punch in the Face, who is suffering from his attachment to the Patriots and Mrs. Bunchen. And the Charlie Cup will end up back in Jersey.
HAMSTERS COACH CHIN HO CHENG (sideline interview by Suzy Kolber) with an odd case of déjà vu
Kolber: Tough loss, Coach. You came in as the second seed and ran into a team who got hot at the right time. Peter King and the other pundits have been all over you failing to trade for Dallas Clark. Any comment?
Cheng (obviously both despondent and drunk out of his mind): I wanna kiss you. I couldn't care less about Dallas Clark. Fantasy football is just BS. My two Patriots receivers pulled a choke job, and we struggled. We're looking to next season, we're looking to make a noise now and ... I wanna kiss you!
Kolber: Thanks Chin! I'll take that as a huge compliment. (Cheng screams "YEAH" in background) Back up to you guys...
COMING UP - EMMANUEL CLASSIC SEMIFINALS: Punch in the Face vs. Millburn Mustangs and ANSKY vs. Beginner's Luck?
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