My First Parent-Teacher Conference

I had the pleasure of attending my first parent-teacher conference yesterday, tagging along with Sarah as we visited Daniel's preschool and had good conversations with his teacher and the director of the school. Here are some highlights*:

Ms. S (Daniel's Teacher): Daniel is engaged when we do activities and actively participates.
Me: Look, lady. Engagement doesn't get you into top schools. Spare me the fluff - is my kid going to an Ivy League school or not? If not, you're just wasting his time.

Ms. S: Daniel gets along with the other kids very nicely.
Me: Play well? I don't want people to like Daniel as much as fear him, because you better be training him to win at all costs. Win! Win! Win! Win!

Ms. S: He doesn't always participate when we sing, even though I know he knows the words to the songs. Sometimes boys at his age are a little self-conscious.
Me: We're not here to turn the kid into Justin Timberlake. We're here so he gets sky-high SAT scores thirteen years from now.

Ms. S: Daniel colors well within the lines and his cutting skills are very good.
Me: So what percentile are we talking about? Top 50%? 10%? 5%? We're in a global economy, lady, if he's not coloring better than that 4-year old in Hydrabad, Daniel's going to grow to be a laid-off loser whining about outsourcing. That's completely unacceptable.

Ms. S: Daniel is good at expressing himself with words. Sometimes when there's a conflict, he'll tell me right away, but I'm trying to get him to try to work it out with his classmate first instead of running right to me.
Me: Good. As my homies in Flatbush would say, "Snitches get stitches."

Ms. S: Daniel is good at expressing himself with words. Sometimes when there's a conflict, he'll tell me right away, but I'm trying to get him to try to work it out with his classmate first instead of running right to me.
Me: I'm glad that you have no interest in doing your job. I'm taking Daniel to get taekwondo lessons and he'll "work it out" all right. Don't come crying to me when Daniel breaks some kid's arm.

Ms. S: Daniel is good at expressing himself with words. Sometimes when there's a conflict, he'll tell me right away, but I'm trying to get him to try to work it out with his classmate first instead of running right to me.
Me: Right. Maybe we should tell the U.N. to adopt that same attitude towards the genocide in Darfur: "Work it out yourselves." Oops, that didn't work out so well, now did it?

Ms. S: He's developing very nicely. Keep reading to him and encourage him to think creatively when you spend time with him.
Me: Whoa, there. In case you haven't noticed, we're paying you guys a fortune for this preschool education. Don't try to throw this back on us. We wash our hands of all responsibility. If he doesn't go to a top school, I'll point the finger at you.

Ms. S: Daniel's dong very well. I think he's progressing nicely and will be more than ready for his 4's class next year.
Me: He's obviously on track to be stellar gentleman. Just like his dad.

* dramatization in jest, may not have happened