Balanced Superior Parenting

Amy Chua's article in the Wall Street Journal, "Why Chinese Mothers Are Superior" is creating quite the buzz in the social network and blogosphere, and part of me yawns. Haven't we already gone through this debate before, with the book "Top of the Class: How Asian Parents Raise High Achievers--and How You Can Too" written Dr. Soo Kim Abboud and Jane Kim? My point then was that hyper-achievement-oriented parenting with psychological torture is stupid, and it's still stupid. What I think is equally stupid is throwing the baby out with the bath water, and ending up in the other extreme that child-led parenting when you let the kids do whatever they want because they have the best sense of their own capabilities and "what's best" is optimal.

By Amy Chua's definition, I was not raised by Chinese parents (her definition is extreme to say the least). I was never forced to play my violin two or three hours, though it was insisted that I play at least one instrument with enough dedication to be good at it - and I did, making Area All-State becoming my high school orchestra's concert master. I did get to choose my own extracurriculars, so long as they didn't conflict with the handful of compulsory activities that my parents felt were important. And I watched plenty of television and played a crapload of video games. My dad had some choice names for me when I was out of line (some were perhaps lost-in-translation Taiwanese swear words), but in retrospect I find those sort of funny and attribute them to his lack of command of the English language. By worldly standards (I say this realizing that it sounds like I'm pompously patting myself on the back), I've probably accomplished much of what "Chinese parents" want their kids to achieve. And my hobby of smearing myself with peanut butter while rapping notwithstanding, I'm not experiencing mental problems like depression or schizophrenia because my parents "pushed me".

Here's what it comes down to:

Point A) Setting goals for your kids and pushing your kids to achieve those gets results - much more often than not, if you push impose a training regimen and drill any creature or human - there will be an increase in performance. Whether you're Amy Chua or Marv Marinovich (who infamously groomed his son Todd from the crib to be an NFL quarterback, and Todd did eventually go on to a career at USC before being an NFL first round draft pick for the Raiders), chances are that the kid will (within genetic bounds) run faster, be better at math and be better at a given musical instrument.

Point B) Pushing your kids past a certain threshold will experience the law of diminishing returns, and significantly increase the risk of rebellion and/or mental breakdowns either during or after the time of the parental "push". Not pushing the kid at all will lead to failure, but pushing the kid too much runs huge risks. For example, the previously mentioned example of Todd Marinovich? He struggled soon after the joining the NFL, failed numerous drug tests before succumbing to drug and legal troubles, and is considered a high-profile bust. Also note that the "results" that are gained, even in the best case scenario, don't speak at all to key character traits either from a spiritual or secular lens. In other words, congratulations, you might have raised a narcissistic neurosurgeon who makes lots of coin who's a complete ass and is an epitome with what's wrong with society.

The truth of the matter is that both of these are often exaggerated. Academic achievement, even if attained, isn't a guarantee to worldly success, let alone deep-rooted contentment and happiness. On the other hand, people who claim that pushing kids necessarily leads to mentally-anguished and bitter kids are grossly exaggerating. For every scarred Asian kid, there are many who are mostly happy, contributing members of society and largely glad that their parents pushed them.

The single-minded focus on either of these two above points leads to two groups of people who I think make mistakes around drawing conclusions by focusing on one and not the other, and depending on how and how passionately they articulate their point, annoy me:

1) You have people like Amy Chua, Soo Kim Abboud and Jane Kim who perpetuate the "Asian parenting secret sauce" myth enough that they're willing to sell these for a buck. I find this incredibly irritating if not abhorrent. Give me a break. I hope it's your guys' publisher that's trying to whip up this controversy in a lame attempt to get desperate non-Asian parents to think that this is a silver bullet to guarantee their kid gets into an Ivy League school, as if that's the key to happiness. People like that are essentially selling handguns to people telling them "They're great!" without the proper warning and context of the dangers behind them. It's irresponsible and exploitative.

2) On the other hand, I also find annoying those who are self-hating Asian "achievers" who find it convenient to completely spit upon the upbringing that gave them a comfortable life which they soak with relish. For example, the Princeton-educated corporate lawyer living in Greenwich, Connecticut in a five bedroom house with a beautiful wife and kids whining, "Boo hoo! My mom should have let me go out for the lead in 'Grease' instead of doing SAT prep... Jeeves, please fix me another cognac in my study in so I can drown my sorrows" irks me. If you're burned out on welfare after dropping out of Yale seeing a therapist two times a week, yeah, you have a legitimate gripe. I just have an issue with the yuppie who joyfully and shamelessly indulges in every creature comfort that was paid for by this "terrible upbringing" and then blames it for how horrible life is the next second.

Balance, people. Setting goals is and encouraging your kids to excel to their potential is not a bad thing. It has to be done within the the context of (1) spiritual/character development is paramount and (2) a parent's love is unconditional.

Don't be a self-focused parent who hides behind Point A telling everyone that you love your kids by pushing them towards a hypothetical easier life made possible by a fancy degree, when it's really your own ego you're feeding.

Don't be a lazy parent who hides behind Point B, enslaved by a desire to be liked by your kids, wanting to take the path of least resistance, claiming that academic achievement isn't important, while living off the fruits of that same academic achievement.

Maybe the key to this is humility. My pointed tone, notwithstanding, I fully understand that I'm not an expert when it comes to parenting - just a guy who hopes that he's shepherding his kids' hearts, minds and souls in a way which is God-honoring and doesn't leave my kids smearing themselves with peanut butter while rapping at the end.