The Isolation of Paranoia

I remember that when I was a young buck in management consulting, we were peppered with suggestions around professional heroes and role models. Many of these people were (if you believe multiple sources) egocentric jerks, such as Larry Ellison, or people who otherwise tried to spin bad or questionable personality traits (desire to destroy others, single-mindedness, inflexibility, obsessive compulsive, workaholism) into something praiseworthy. For example, the title of (then) Intel chairman and CEO Andy Grove's book was "Only the Paranoid Survive", the implication that being paranoid was a good business practice. The fact that the book was really more touting against complacent thinking (which I agree), the title was probably spiced up to sell more books. That's fine.

But the reality is that paranoia, or at least relational paranoia is a big problem, and I think it plagues relationships far more than we might think. When I was at Emmanuel, one member shared his testimony and I vividly remember him sharing that when he was younger he "always felt that people were out to 'get'" him and that had a profound negative effect upon his relationships - one which was only truly healed and address when he gave his life to Jesus Christ. It's not difficult to see how relational paranoia becomes problematic - it creates massive barriers of distrust and the failure of that vulnerability becomes not just a wedge, but a destructive force that perpetuates itself. The mind begins to doubt any good action and the perception of bad motives creates greater anger and feeds that paranoia.

Recently, a friend "retweet" something from Bob Kauflin, who is Director of Worship Development Sovereign Grace Ministries. Bob tweeted: If I want to please God in relational conflicts, I'm wisest to assume the best of other's motives and the worst of my own.

That's so true. Assuming the best intent in the actions of others is remarkably difficult. Perhaps it's fair that we've been burned too many times and we know the capacity for wickedness of people exhibited in our own lives. I don't think what Kauflin is saying is to be naive - I take it as practical advice. We simply don't have the capability to judge others motives with complete accuracy, so to assume best intent is not only the God-honoring things to do, it's the most practical thing to do if we seek a positive outcome. What good, even of self-benefit, can come of your distrust and alienation of the person sitting across the table from you?

Further, the advice is akin to Jesus' words in Matthew 7:3-5 advising us to take the plank out of own eye before removing the speck out of our brother's. While we don't have the capability to assess others' motives, we have a better vantage point to judge out own. And if we're really honest with ourselves, our motives tend to be far less honorable then we'd like to admit. Or to sum up this way: other people's motives are often better than we think they are, and our motives are often much worse than we realize.

This is one foundational pillar of of walking in humility in our relationships with others, and as hard as this might be for a natural cynic as me, I can only hope that my discipline in this gets better over time.