The Humility to Welcome Being Served

I read with some amusement a news article about Young Min, a young man whose friends essentially deserted him after he enlisted them to help move from Flushing to Manhattan’s East Side via subway. A dozen household items, an air conditioner, a television, and 40-pound bag of rice later, Min found that his friends didn’t answer his calls or show up to school.

Anyway, one of the things that often frustrates friendships and particularly Christian community is the lack of love between people that manifests itself in serving each other. This comes about when people lack either the time and inclination to care for others in need, and are thus unwilling to make the sacrifices to care for another person, whether that be through meeting someone for a meal and asking how they’re doing, helping someone with some errands around the house, or picking them up from the airport.

What I’ve come to notice is that another common problem lies in people’s unwillingness to admit that actually need help and their aversion to being served. There are a couple of reasons for this. For one, people don’t want to seem imperfect or needy, so they avoid seeking help. Asking for help communicates that you’re not self-sufficient, which is tough to swallow in this culture of fierce independence. The pride in this reasoning is evident – “I don’t need anyone else.”

I think another reason why people don’t accept help is because they actually don’t want to extend themselves to help others. Let me explain – people can get caught up in a egalitarian “zero-sum game” of credits and debits. Or put another way, if you get help from others, you may feel obligated to help others in return. If one has no interest in extending him or herself, they’d just a soon stay out of that equation altogether. Or put another way, “Don’t ask for my help, because I didn't ask for yours.” This is unfortunate, because it presumes that people can and should always reciprocate (in a similar vein, the most gracious kindness to extend is one which can never be repaid). Pride is also part of this rationale – “I’m too important to be inconvenienced to help others.”

It’s a shame, because those who don’t allow themselves to be cared for by others are really missing out. They miss out on the sweetness of friendship, seeing interdependent Christian community as it ought to be, and the deepness in trust that can only be developed and tested when an offer to help is accepted. “I’ll humbly ask for and accept your help” communicates vulnerability, trust and love in a profound way.

So there’s great value to seeking help – as long as it doesn’t involve your language-school buddies moving your apartment possessions and furniture by foot and subway.