How Entitlement Kills the Soul

I read with great interest an article in the New York Post written by a “rich Upper East Side mom” who confesses her complicity in the spoiled and self-absorbed nature of her teenage daughter. Tracey Jackson, who ironically (or not) is the the screenwriter of "Confessions of a Shopaholic," refreshingly doesn’t lay most of the blame on society or her friends – she rightly recognizes that nobody forced her to follow like a lemming the destructive indulgent habits of clueless rich parents around her.

There are some over-the-top references that raise the eyebrow, such as the $12,000 worth of clothes strewn on the floor of the ungrateful daughter, the birthday party where the kids' lack of appreciation of a private screening of "13 Going on 30" and Matrix caps led to kids throwing shoes at the screen and $200 worth of damage to the theater, and the massive bills from Dolce & Gabbana and iTunes. Jackson laments the intense peer pressure both kids and parents face when living and rubbing elbows with people where seemingly "everyone's doing it" - from the private schools to the expensive lifestyle - the implicit question seems to be, "How do you develop different standards for your kid when doing so may lead to complete social isolation?"

The reality is that even, albeit not at the same level, most of us will go through some form of this as parents, where the social, school, maybe even church-circles in which we run may have spending and lifestyle norms very different than your own family's. Instead of saying 'no' to vacations to Lake Como, maybe it's not going on vacation at all. Instead of Dolce & Gabanna, maybe it's not going out to eat, period. Instead of Fendi, maybe it's not buying the latest Leap Frog toys. It takes a great deal of courage to stand firm to withhold something from a child which seems so freely given away in other households, but I'm certain that such actions will pay dividends. Not only will parents avoid setting foot on an increasingly slippery slope of indulgence, it'll also be a good lesson in terms of understanding the danger of "entitlement".

I hope that Sarah and I can make wise decisions with our children in this regard and teach our children well. We live in a town where many, if not most, are far wealthier than we are. I hope we can teach our children, without the least bit of apology or shame "no" - they are not entitled to live the same lives, own the same "toys", or enjoy the same "perks" as their friends. In fact, nobody in our family, including Sarah and I, are entitled to the house, car, food, clothes or health that we currently possess.

Of course, what will ultimately make the difference in our children's lives is how we model that same character. Entitlement is not just a phenomena that plagues the rich or the young. I remember a Tim Keller sermon over ten years ago which still sticks with me which captured the point well. He said (more or less): "You can be living an obedient life and still be galactically unfaithful. How will you know if this is the case? How do you feel when things are going badly in your life? When you don't have a job, or don't have the perfect romantic relationship, or find yourself in distress, do you find yourself angry or bitter in light of the life of obedience that you've lived? You're not being faithful - you've lived a life where you've put yourself on the throne to manipulate God to give you the things you want. What you're really saying is 'God owes me'. Nothing could be more unfaithful."

Such is the essence of entitlement. I hope and pray that Sarah and I can model a very non-entitled life to our children, and for all of us to remember that God is ultimately the giver of all the good things we have, and that these things are given to us by grace. It's much easier to swallow the withholding of things that you never felt you deserved in the first place.