The Death of Thoughtful Repentance

I had archived an article a while ago and recently dug it up. The article spoke of a rabbi who during the Jewish high holidays felt a need to tell people they shouldn't ask for forgiveness via Facebook. According to Rabbi Jason Miller of Congregation T'chiyah in Oak Park, Michigan, "We've lost the personal touch. There should be an effort, a little challenge to go up to another person and seek forgiveness, to admit our wrongdoing."

Now electronic apologies are even worse, but I think we all generally do a lousy job of asking for forgiveness, even verbally.

One of the more striking lessons that I took away from my years at InterVarsity in college was a striking talk from David Lamb about repentance and reconciliation from Matthew 5:24. To emphasize the vital importance of seeking reconciliation, there was a powerful anecdote shared of a man who stepped out of a ministry meeting realizing he had to go to Leavenworth, Kansas. When asked why he needed to go to Leavenworth, he replied, "I need to talk to and forgive the man who killed my wife."

The other think that stayed with me after this particular talk is David's recommendation that we distinctly and explicitly articulate a request for forgiveness instead of a generic apology. Or to be clear, don't simply say, "I'm sorry" - if you really have sinned against someone, look them in the eye, tell them what you've done and how you feel that has hurt them and ask them: "Will you forgive me?"

It makes all the sense in the world, but it's certainly not comfortable. It's an invitation to give the aggrieved person the power to say "yes" or "no". It's putting yourself, as the person who sinned, in the humbling position to be asking for something of the aggrieved. It's not natural, and it's far more uncomfortable than the quasi-apologies that we're probably used to giving, such as "I'm sorry if" and even non-apologies such as "I made a mistake". Asking someone directly if they will forgive you makes clear the acknowledgement of sin and makes clear that the sinner knows that they need to ask for it from the person they hurt.

I don't do this nearly enough. I should probably start doing this more.