April Fools Blogs Posts Gone Bad

About a year ago, my buddy the Urban Christian posted a April's Fool blog breaking the news that despite his moniker, he would be moving his family out to the suburbs after years of holding out. It was pretty convincing, and not being cognizant of the date, I dropped him a phone call and asked him what in the world was going on. I gather that some of his readers realized right away that his post was a just a big of good creative writing. It was all in good fun, and I acknowledged to my buddy that I had been punk'd.

It did get me thinking: what are some April Fools blog posts that would cross the line and simply wrong to publish? So, I give to you a series of opening sentences of April Fools blog posts the Suburban Family Guy editorial staff rejected as being inappropriate, offensive, or worse:

There is weariness in my bones and I need to cling on the the truth and hope that Jesus is the Great Healer. This is all that I could think about upon hearing the news from my physician that tests had returned with the news that I had been dreading - I have a malignant tumor lodged in my brain the size of a plum and I have but months to live.

There is something to be said about the truth setting you free - the elimination of lies, pretense and the hope that you can be completely honest and stop being exhausted being someone that you're not. Life is just too short to be fighting all the time with something that is inevitable, and so it is with great sadness that I announce that my wife and I are getting divorced.

Where is God when it hurts? How to you make sense of the incomprehensible? This is not just a title of a Philip Yancey book - this is what my wife and I are struggling with as we cope the sudden and tragic death of our child.

I'm a big believer in confidentiality when friends talk about their addictions which they're ashamed about. That's why I promised my friend John that I wouldn't tell anyone about his addiction to hardcore, barely-legal pornography. It's a good thing that nobody in my church reads my blog. I think.

I recently read an article from the Philadelphia Inquirer about a community's search for a missing teenager. The more I read about the family's anguish and the palpable pain felt by a shocked neighborhood, I couldn't help but be haunted by the secret that has haunted me all these years - that many years ago I had killed a runaway drifter to win a bet with some college friends.

It's funny, but something you think you know people and then 'bam' - you get blindsided. At my last men's accountability group, I confessed that with the lust in my heart, I had committed adultery. What was of odd comfort to me was hearing that pretty much everyone else in that same accountability group literally committed adultery - not in a Matthew 5:28 way - I mean, they really had physical affairs with other people, mostly co-workers. Who knew?

I can't lie to myself anymore and speak of hope when I have none. I feel like I'm trapped with no place to turn, and the walls close in and the air gets thin. Life has no meaning. It's time to pull the curtain down and end this show.

I recently went to a parenting conference with my wife, and I learned some really important principles about how to avoid spoiling children and creating a culture of self-entitlement, laziness and complacency. I couldn't agree more, and it's time that I stood up to all this "self-esteem" garbage. That evening upon learning that my son had misidentified a rhombus on his shapes quiz, I told him that he was useless and threw his favorite Lego set in the garbage, telling him that "Legos are only for winners."

It has been said that the most precious things are family and family memories. Sadly, these are all that we have after our house was consumed in a fire. Yesterday my daughter wept as she clutched at the charred remnants of a stuffed animal that used to be her favorite, while I tried to convince her and myself that everything was going to be all right.

Somehow, following any of these with a post the day after stating "Oh yeah, about yesterday's post: April Fools!" would seem somehow inadequate, wouldn't it?

As I look at the above, there's a couple of themes which align well to the old Saturday Night Live "Comedy Killers" skit. The lesson is, never ever joke around about a friend's or your own personal experience around:

• Sex
• Death or Dying
• Marital Infidelity
• Child Abuse
• Committing a Felony
• Being a Victim of a Felony or Tragedy

But making up a story about moving to the suburbs is totally fine. Also safe topics are joking about taking a new job as a professional poker player, that you've won the Powerball, realizing that you have a peanut allergy, getting backstage access to the U2 concert and telling people that you're going to discontinue your blog.

Just to be absolutely clear for those of you who are poor readers, we're all fine. Please don't send me e-mails asking me about my divorce, tumor, burned down house, dysfunctional, sick or dead family or friends.