I’d like to believe that when it really comes down to it, my 6-year old son Daniel and my 3-year old daughter Sophia really love each other. Of course, they don’t always act in a way which demonstrates this reality. As I observed some of their squabbles this past weekend, I couldn’t help but notice a common theme in their conflict.
One afternoon, we were driving home from the pool and they got into a fierce argument in the backseat about that always controversial topic: Princesses. Here’s a summary (at least the part that I overheard):
Daniel: Daddy, Sophia said that princesses have magic powers. Sophia is wrong!
Sophia: (clearly upset) Yes they do! They have magic wands and they do have magic powers!
Daniel: Those aren’t real, that’s only on television. Real princesses don’t have magic powers, right daddy?
Sophia: (really upset) You’re wrong, and I’m right. They do have powers!
Daniel: No they don’t, Sophia. Ask anyone. Ask Ah-Gong (my father and their grandfather). He’s a scientist and he’ll tell you they don’t have magic powers.
Sophia: (now on the verge of tears) Yes they do!
Daniel: Ask anyone. Everyone will tell you that you’re wrong, even the President would tell you you’re wrong!
Sophia: (pretty much crying now) I’m right and everyone else is wrong!
Later on that evening while we had guests over, Daniel, Sophia and some other kids their age were playing Chutes and Ladders together, and this is what transpired:
Sophia: (walking up to me and my wife crying) Daniel said I’m bad and I’m not allowed to play!
Daniel: Sophia’s playing the wrong way! She didn’t follow the rules so she’s not allowed to play!
Now in both of these situations, Daniel is technically right. I hope I don’t break anyone’s bubble out there, but when Kate Middleton became Princess Kate, she didn’t acquire the ability to fly and she wasn’t given her a wand to enable her to transform vegetables into mechanical objects. In that same vein, I don’t doubt for a second that Sophia didn’t play the game exactly by the rules. Maybe she moved her piece backwards or maybe she spun the wheel multiple times.
But in a larger sense, Daniel’s wrong. He’s wrong because of his inability to extend basic grace and love to his sister even as he points out her mistakes. Now in fairness, Daniel’s six years old and that discipline is going to get better and adults are lousy at this, too (more on this later), but I think it’s fair to say that his relationship with Sophia is at a stage where he simply finds her annoying and if he catches her in a mistake, he’s going in for the kill.
Extending grace to Sophia is hard for Daniel right now. I can appreciate that during this season of life, she’s largely a nuisance who touches or breaks his stuff. It’s easy for him to lord his newfound and developing ‘intelligence’ over her. He won’t (or can’t) gently correct her or give a more nuanced response which won’t antagonize or devastate her. For goodness gracious, he was so intent on piling on the poor girl around her misguided view on princesses that he dragged President Obama into the argument. Lighten up, dude.
In the same way, Daniel could have handled the board game situation better. I’ve seen how Daniel treats our toddler, Carissa, and I don’t think he wouldn’t have been as harsh with her. He would’ve laughed it off, found a way to get her involved in the game or at least given her something else to distract her.
Of course, there are glimpses of Daniel’s behavior in all of us, right? There are situations where we’re not satisfied with having a point of view that we believe is right, we need to annihilate the other person and twist the knife. There are people who rub us the wrong way who we feel a need to get the last word in. At some point, the thing that becomes most important is that the other person acknowledges that we’re right, and the relationship itself becomes secondary. But to use Christian lingo, this is where the nuanced marriage between “truth” and “grace” need to intersect. Or to borrow a construct from the apostle Paul, if we have truth but do not have love or grace, what worth is it?
And we sit back and justify our actions and our attitude because “we’re right”. But maybe in the larger sense, we’re not.
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