In a nod to Bill Simmons' excellent running NBA draft diary series, I've decided to pen a similar running diary for my 6 year-old son's recent taekwondo promotion exam, the second of which I've had the privilege of attending.
6:25pm ET: As I walk in to the dojang (essentially the Korean dojo), I am greeted by an old acquaintance and his father, who I also know. We exchange pleasantries and I learn that my acquaintance's son is a White Belt finishing his testing for a Yellow Belt promotion. Given my problems with the social promotion at this dojang, I'm tempted to tell them, "Unless your kid moons the teaching staff while spewing racially-tinged expletives, they'll promote him," but instead opt for the much more appropriate, "What a good looking kid! I'm sure he'll do fantastic."
6:35pm: Master Yoo warms up the crowd with asking the parents how they're doing. Realizing that it's a rhetorical question, instead of saying, "You know, I'm a little concerned about the restructuring at my company and I need to have better quiet times", we all say, "Good, sir!" in unison.
6:40pm: We do a tape ceremony, where I identify an area of improvement that our son will need to commit to improve and I layer a colored piece of tape on his belt. If my wife got to do this with me since the day we got married, today I'd look something akin to a psychedelic mummy.
6:45pm: Master Yoo tells a moral fable about five fisherman which I completely don't understand, which eventually leads to the adults being directed to turn towards each other and saying, "You can do it!" The heavyset fellow next to me manages to do this with a straight face. Thanks, I needed that.
6:48pm: Master Yoo handpicks three of the Green Belt kids and proceeds to choreograph a role play of a mom, dad and disobedient child which looks like something out of a bad ABC afterschool special. Is Master Yoo just making this up as he goes along? The lesson he's apparently trying to teach here is that parents don't like being kids who are defiant. This is followed up somehow with a pitch to the parents to buy the summer-appropriate Master Yoo T-shirts, Master Yoo Slip & Slide and official Master Yoo sunblock. Okay, I made up the last two.
6:51pm: Master Yoo starts off with the Green Belts testing for promotion to Blue Belts. Master Yoo demonstrates a kick combination which is then replicated by the students, which actually looks pretty cute - sort of like that scene in Jurassic Park II where the mother T-Rex slays the, well, never mind. I've gotta say that Master Yoo's still got it. I'm no expert, but I think he'd hold his own in a street fight. And he manages to do these routines while keeping his Ted Koppel-like hair impeccable.
6:55pm: One of the student looks absolutely disinterested during the student-teacher sparring session, leaning against the wall with his hands in his pockets. Either the kid is on to the fact that he doesn't need to do squat to get promoted, or he's totally intimidated by Master Yoo doing a spin kick over his head.
7:00pm: We proceed to go into the "point out your parents in the crowd and run over to them and give them a hug" portion of the test and I can imagine John Kreese and Bruce Lee rolling in their graves. Thankfully nobody fails this, except for the kid who gets called out for lying about hugging his dad "100 times". He is summarily roundhouse kicked by Master Yoo and ordered to do fifty push-ups on his knuckles. Well, not really, but that would've been far more interesting.
7:04pm: The Green Belts proceed with breaking 3/4 inch boards with a running kick, which is interesting because they couldn't rip wet paper towels with the force they're exerting. All goes well except for one of the pre-perforated boards, which Master Yoo has to work a little harder in snapping himself. I think I mentioned before in my post around Social Promotion how much I hate this part of the exam... what a charade.
7:07pm: Eight more Green Belts stand up for testing, and Daniel still is waiting. As I look at my watch, I silently resolve that I need to do a chore swap with my wife so I never need to sit through this process again. It's not really that bad actually, and you do actually get used to the stink of kid sweat on gym mats.
7:09pm: The next set of student-teacher sparring begins, where the Green Belts somehow manage to hurl their Black Belt instructors on the floor who are twice their size. And I thought that diving in soccer and hockey was unconvincing and lame.
7:15pm: Daniel's turn finally comes up, and he nails his combination routine, which he does in sync with three other Orange Belt to Green Belt candidates. Good job, but the kid with the Purple Belt who is simultaneously being tested has a scratchy Bruce Springsteen-like voice when he screams during his routine that puts a little more oomph into the intimidation factor. I need to get Daniel to try to integrate that or maybe Monica Seles' grunt into his arsenal.
7:20pm: My boy's doing really well. He just did a 45 second routine solo and didn't freeze or get flustered, which is better than his dad can do under similar circumstances at work. I wonder if any of these combinations work in the real world. I mean, "low block, punch, low block, punch, high block, punch, punch, kick, punch, kick, HAI-YA!" sort of goes out the window if you get blocked or thrown on the ground. And it's not as if you're told which combo to use when you're confronted. Maybe I'll sucker punch Daniel during dinner and see how well he can improvise.
7:26pm: Now it's time for the mental testing, a.k.a. the oral exam. Daniel gets stumped when asked how many times he hugs me in a day. Rats, that wasn't on the cheat sheet so he didn't know it was going to be on the exam. That's the problem with the Tiger Mom education which overly relies upon rote memorization.
7:30pm: Daniel's time to break boards and spar, which he does against an instructor who looks vaguely like Soon-Yi Previn with glasses.
7:35pm: The newly-minted Green Belts (like Daniel) are given trophies. The Green Belts are given nunchuks, which will be surely used on younger siblings later tonight. I'll be sure to check the local section in our newspaper tomorrow to see what the fallout was. Or some of my local physician friends are going to get some business.
7:37pm: Master Yoo is happy to announce "everybody passed, promotions for everyone!" which is as shocking as an episode of Scooby-Doo ending with, "And I would've gotten away with it, too, if it wasn't for you meddling kids."
7:41pm: Daniel proudly hands me his trophy, at which point I'm tempted to break it in half and say, "Second place is no place, you're off the team!" But realizing that he wouldn't get the Karate Kid, Part II reference and I'd probably scar him for life, I let it go.
Good job, son. My smart-aleck comments notwithstanding, you really did a great job and I'm proud of you.
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